The Human Sprinkler

Today I have my CT-Scans.  Comparing this test to so many other tests and procedures, this is a piece of cake.  I am up early so I can have my coffee.  I can't eat or drink for 3 hours before test, except the barium drink.  Yuk.  I drink 15oz of this thick chalky drink 2hrs 15mins. before test, 15 more oz 1 hour before.  And 15 more ounces right before test.  I will wear a diaper and hope for no accidents before test.  I will lay on a table, they will but an i.v. in me and shoot dye that makes me hot all over and feel like I am peeing my pants.  Then they run me through a tube a few times while I hold my breath.  That's it.  Then I will have "issues" for a long time afterwards because of the barium drink.  Not too bad of a procedure, the worse part is just drinking the stuff.

This has made me think back to all the tests and procedures I have had over the last couple years.  I have been in positions with my bare bottom and a room full of men so many times, I really have no embarrassment any more.  But the worse time was when I was having a test that required me to drink really thick chalky stuff, I had an ileostomy at the time and they made me take my pouch off so they could put a scope through my stomach.  They also gave me a barium enema up my bottom at the same time and while doing this, told me to hold it.  Well, just wishing it so, isn't going to make it happen.  They had to keep putting the stuff up me, and shoot pictures, roll me around in my own mess, put more stuff up me and so on.  In the mean time I have the other stuff I drank shooting out of the hole in my stomach as they tried to get a scope in there.  After they were done, this young man around my son's age helped me off the table, held a diaper at my stomach while I put another diaper on.  All while in a room with a doctor and two other technicians.  All men.  Oh the humiliation.  So this nice young man walks me to the bathroom and through my tears, I ask him to get my husband. 

Now this is the reason I know my dear LL is probably never going to leave me, because this would have been the time if any for him to run.  He walks in, I am sitting on the toilet with diarrhea, crying, stuff shooting out of my belly, and I start to throw up.  Now that's real talent.  Most people, when sick, can have diarrhea and vomit at the same time.  I had the talent of having stuff come out of my three ways at the same time.  And LL had the privilege to witness it.  Poor man had to clean the floor, help me get dressed, I couldn't get myself dry enough for a new pouch so I had to keep putting towels and diapers on my stomach, and he had to get a wheel chair and push me out of the building fast,  then drive me 35 minutes home.  I must say this is how weird we are.  While sitting there with my body acting like a sprinkler, LL and I both got the giggles so bad we were practically hysterical from laughing.  Yes, he is a keeper.

So today really is not that big of a deal, the hardest part is just waiting for the results.